me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any