Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
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6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
there will never be a funnier headline than this one