I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
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No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
This is what makes twitter great
twitter is a journey
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My kitchen overserved me.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
house sitting!