[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
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At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.