You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
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I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.