Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
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Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Human are so complicated
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already