No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
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idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
3% human
97% stress
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.