We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
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ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
You sure about that?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did