Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
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HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[shakes fist at other fist]
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.