a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
And bowling should be called pinball
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.