Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
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[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three