Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
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Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
🤣🤣🤣
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes