hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
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Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.