[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
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My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?