Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
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I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
road rage
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
happy friday
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.