ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
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I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
then why did i get this email
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up