My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
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Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.