Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
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You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I put the mess in domestic.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop