You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
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Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?