Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?