The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
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Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.