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Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs