(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
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Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”