[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
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My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
This meeting could have been a cake
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly