I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
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[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.