Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Smells like a challenge to me
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I did not eat the cake…
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.