Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
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ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My guardian angel deserves a raise
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me