“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
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*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Time heals everything 🙂
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.