“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
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did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Discuss
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.