Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
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lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?