Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
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Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.