So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
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Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
no refunds
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.