Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
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Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
How it started How it’s going
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
early stone age tool
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da