the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?