Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
This raises questions
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste