Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
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Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.