to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
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Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Yes my dude
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive