Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
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If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no