Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
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My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Ion see the issue
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it