As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
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I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
#FunnyLife Insects
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.