Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
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Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
the official breakfast of 2021