Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
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DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears