ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
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person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.