Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
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me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
thinking about a very short hotdog
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.