the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.