With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
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I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.