Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
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There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
This made me smile…
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.