How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
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The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less