Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
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“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?