me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
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Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
What the dentist sees
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Mad Max: Furry Road
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Oops I deleted….
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.